Warpaints

Team Serviced

Secretly Serviced

Pacific Peacemaker

Bomb Carrier

Warborn

Steel Brushed

Mechanized Monster

Deadly Dragon

Business Class

Sky Stallion

Taunts

Star Spangled Strategy

You may not have the bravado of George S. Patton, or the presence of Douglas MacArthur, or the brains of... uh... some smart guy, but... where was I going with this? Oh, right! But don't let that stop you. It is your job to remind your team why they're here, and why they made you, of all people, their leader.

Head Doctor

A cephalic exchange transplant is the medical term for cutting off someone's head and replacing it with a different (better) one. There is much debate about whether this counts as a head transplant or a body transplant. However, far fewer questions are ever asked about what happens to the first head.

Teufort Tango

It takes two to tango! Or, in this case, it takes one to tango while the other flails around like a ragdoll. In fact, it's hardly even a tango. Seduce your team (and Scout's mother) with these fancy dance moves.

Killer Signature

Prove to your enemy that you can write your own name more-or-less legibly by leaving an autograph on their corpse. Team-colored felt-tip pen and Sports Illustrated-quality headshots included.

Road Rager

This light utility vehicle was gifted to the Heavy by survivors of the Tambov Rebellion of 1920 for his efforts against the Soviet government. However, it is not clear how they would feel about its new purpose in life: Making everyone who ever cut you off in traffic regret that decision.

Killer Joke

Physical comedy is by far the oldest form of humor - the earliest known example of which being the timeless classic, Use Poke Stick Make Mammoth Step on Grug. Unfortunately, those cavemen lacked one thing which would have elevated its comedic value substantially - the drum kit. Win any comedic stand-off with this all-class humor amplification kit.